I am sitting on the second floor of the library, sipping on the dregs of a vanilla latte and procrastinating my final paper for Dr. Bellinger’s Communication and Technology class. It is dreary outside. There is a whisper of rain in the wind.
In less than two weeks, I will graduate from Seattle Pacific University and finally earn that precious degree I’ve worked four years to get. I will have my entire life ahead of me.
I want to have something poetic to say about the past four years, to be able to sum up my experience in a tidy 700-word article that makes everyone think I am content and thankful and satisfied.
About a month ago, I told our perspectives editor I would write this piece with the expectation that a burst of nostalgia would hit me at any moment. I hoped by the time it came to actually write the thing, I would be looking back on my SPU experience with bittersweet tears in my eyes, ready to wax poetic about sunny days in Tiffany Loop and late nights by the canal. But there is nothing there. I am just tired.
When I moved into my Hill Hall dorm room in September 2020, I swear I was someone else entirely. I was blond. I was bubbly. I was bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. Now, I am dejected and bitter and more mean than I want to be.
I don’t want to deny that many beautiful and life-changing things have happened to me in the past four years.
I met a kindred spirit in my freshman year roommate (now we live together in a little white house). I shaved my head in an Emerson dorm room. I hosted a radio show and spent every Monday morning for a year in the KSPU studio. I wrote a lot — poems and short stories and love letters and Falcon articles and a senior honors thesis. I learned who I am and who I want to become. But all the joy I felt in these moments was in spite of SPU, not because of it.
Being a student at this university is exhausting. It is awful to see my favorite professors leave, to be embarrassed of my school’s reputation and to see student resources disappear before my eyes. Being a student leader only accelerates burnout. It is indescribably draining to be the one meant to keep those around you motivated and excited, yet you yourself can barely stand to care.
I want to have something poetic to say about it all, but what I really feel like doing is screaming. I want to scream at the board of trustees for denying my humanity and the humanity of so many that I love. I want to scream at upper administration, who couldn’t care less about listening to the needs and wants of their students.
I want to scream at myself — the version of me who moved into Hill Hall in September 2020. I am so jealous of her ignorance.
KJ • Jun 5, 2024 at 4:34 pm
Thank you for writing this piece. I’m a former SPU alumni who did a quick google search to see what’s going on with SPU. Your writing confirms that the feelings that I, and others have around the insitituion that we devoted years of our lives to, still, does not have our best interests in mind. I’m happy that you are graduating and moving on better things. Best of luck.
SPU, do better.
Jim Ballard • Jun 4, 2024 at 5:29 pm
I read your article dated May 30, 2024. A few comments and questions. Sounds like you will get your degree and are prepared to enter the career of your choice. Congratulations!
So sorry to hear you are dejected, bitter, and more mean than you want to be. Life doesn’t always turn out like we expect. But it also sounds like you experienced beautiful life changing things and met a kindred spirit. Welcome to early adulthood where your options are limitless.
Not sure what redeeming value shaving your head is, but to each his own. Sounds like your work at KSPU and writing for The Falcon was meaningful for you. You mentioned you learned who you are and who you want to become. Good for you. I would encourage you to compare who you are with who God wants you to be.
We are all created in the image of God and by aligning ourselves with the divine established norms and standards for living this life, we all have the potential to grow into the person He designed us to be. Rom 12:2
Living by these elevated standards glorify God, provide stability, peace of mind, and bear witness to those in our periphery.
Please don’t let your emotions drive your attitude. You have choices on how you respond to life’s adversity, stress, etc, regardless of your emotions at the time.
Sounds like SPU has made decisions to prioritize their stated Mission, Core Themes, Vision, and Statement of Faith. Good for them, but that may include curriculum, policy, and faculty changes. To my understanding these statements have been in place for decades. If you didn’t agree with them, why did you choose to attend SPU?
Regarding SPU’s reputation, about what specifically were you embarrassed? Hopefully you understand being a student leader at SPU takes courage to demonstrate and uphold the university’s core values. Not a job for the timid in this day and age.
I understand you wanting to scream when things don’t go your way, but I don’t understand how the Board of Trustees denied yours and others humanity. You were made in the image of God. Perhaps you should consult the Bible to see what that means and what your responsibilities are therein.
You referenced how the upper administration “couldn’t care less about listening to the needs and wants of their students”. You seem to think SPU is obligated to meet your needs and wants. Their only responsibility is to provide you a quality, Christ centered education that helps you meet your educational goals. You got your degree. Sounds like they did their job.
It may be time for you to grow up, loose your entitlement mentality, and take responsibility for your own life needs and wants. The girl that moved into Hill Sept 2020 was not ignorant. A little naive and idealistic maybe but that’s pretty normal for a teenager. Buckle up because life will throw a lot at you. Having God and the Bible as your main resources will help.
Leslie Crawford Love • Jun 2, 2024 at 7:38 pm
Hello Aubrey,
Congratulations on graduating and all your hard work.
Your farewell message expresses your feelings very clearly. I am truly sorry you are leaving SPU with bitterness and scream-worthy anger.
I am wondering why you chose to attend a university that was established on a biblical, Christ-centered foundation?
I am surprised by your statement about upper administration not caring to listen to the needs and wants of their students. I know for a fact that Dr. Porterfield has welcomed difficult conversations with all students, faculty, and staff that chose to speak with her. Listening and hearing those wants and needs doesn’t necessarily mean that changes be made to accommodate that which goes against the Core Values and Statement of Faith of SPU.
The Word of God is my plumb line and my lifeline. It provides light in our ever darkening world.
I hope you will look to Jesus to affirm your humanity. he loves you so much!
I hope we will have the opportunity to meet at Ivy Cutting this Friday.