I am not often late for work, but I remember being late on Jan. 1st, 2024. I think many people hope that the new year will bring about change, for me, it brought a change that will continue to influence me throughout my life.
I work in a homeless shelter in Downtown Seattle, and the bus was running on a reduced frequency schedule due to the holiday. Having missed the earlier bus, I had no choice but to be late for work. When I finally made it in, I went through my usual routine – I chatted with my coworkers, filed some paperwork, and opened our shower and laundry services for my clients.
As it is a homeless shelter, my clients sleep on mats on the floor, which they pick up every day at 7 a.m.. As I was getting in, I noticed that Miss Carla and her mat were still on the floor. It was 10 a.m., but I assumed she had permission to sleep in from the holiday. Miss Carla was a joy to have in the shelter. She would often have trouble sleeping, so we would often sit on the patio, and as she smoked a cigarette, we would talk about whatever thing preoccupied her mind. I didn’t realize how much those talks meant to me. I bent down to gently wake her up.
I did not wake her up; in fact, I couldn’t wake her up. Miss Carla was cold, her pulse slow, and her face was covered in vomit. 911 was called, I pulled her off her mat and started CPR. It took five rounds of CPR before emergency responders arrived. They performed another twelve rounds with an AED machine, a device that delivers electric pulses to the heart. Miss Carla unfortunately did not make it.
When 911 is called and someone passes away, an official investigation is opened. It feels like I was asked a million questions by a thousand different people. At that time, the people who questioned me also tried to comfort me. They told me there was nothing I could have done, that Miss Carla had been overdosing for approximately an hour before they got there. On that timeline, it didn’t matter how well anyone had done CPR because it was unlikely to be successful. It didn’t matter, all I heard was that I had failed.
An hour. I was an hour late from missing my bus. Even when it is irrational, it’s hard to stop the “what if” thoughts and the extreme guilt that comes from them. “What if I hadn’t missed the bus?” “What if I wasn’t late?” “What if I hadn’t stopped to talk to my coworkers?” It is a constant and endless spiral that continues to fuel the guilt.
I was given the option to leave early and go home. The guilt, however, makes a person do silly things like believing they are well enough to continue to work, so I stayed and finished my shift. During that time, I needed to stay busy. I kept telling myself that as long as I kept working, as long as I kept doing something good, I had nothing to feel guilty for.
I filed the appropriate paperwork for such an event. I cleaned Miss Carla’s spot, packing away all of her belongings that were still there from the night before. I swept the floor, removing the feathers that flew everywhere when they had cut her vest away for the AED machine. I cleaned out her locker and sorted her belongings. I sanitized and disinfected. I informed my clients of her passing. I comforted my clients. I comforted the other staff. The “what ifs” never disappeared, and I still felt guilty.
After the fact, I found myself picking up shift after shift. I was always at work. I started to develop the fear of what if I’m not there and a client needs me. What if something like this happens again, but someone else is late? What if, what if, what if…
The truth about guilt is that it doesn’t just go away by staying busy, nor is it a feeling that gets resolved by ignoring it. It does not get fixed by those around you saying, “Oh, don’t feel guilty!” or, “You shouldn’t feel that way, it wasn’t your fault.” Guilt is a complex emotion that becomes more complex when mixed with grief and doesn’t just go away because I tell it to.
At the end of the day, the only way to handle it is to acknowledge that guilt is a normal part of the grieving process and is valid. It is okay to recognize that guilt is sometimes irrational and that it does not make it any less valid. It is okay to talk about that guilt with others. Finally, it is okay to forgive yourself. It doesn’t mean you excuse the guilt; instead, you accept it’s there.
Even after accepting all of the above as part of my life, I still feel guilty sometimes. However, for the most part, I’m okay. I still struggle to be okay with even being five minutes late for work. I still struggle with trying to stay busy to avoid the guilt. And I still struggle with taking on more work to try to amend the guilt. However, the guilt no longer consumes me. When I think back on Miss Carla, I am no longer overwhelmed by how I failed her, instead, I get to remember her.
