This year I have begun my dating adventures in Seattle. Using Bumble, Hinge and Instagram, I have gone on a few dates and some possibly-romantic hangouts. After a couple of these, I started to notice a pattern. Every time I told someone that I went out with a man, they would ask me, ‘Did he pay?’

This question is simple, and its intent is harmless, but it is connected to larger issues of patriarchy.

The idea of men paying for dates is first connected to traditional gender roles and the belief that a man’s role is the ‘provider.’ Within the relationship, the man is expected to care for the woman financially and is responsible for all the financial burdens. It is customary that the man will have a job with greater income and that he will always be the ‘breadwinner.’

Within this traditional viewpoint, there are many negative stereotypes about women. This idea that a man’s gender inherently means he will make more money implies that the man in the relationship will automatically have a career of greater importance, and therefore greater pay. It then also implies that a woman’s gender automatically means she will not be as financially successful as her male counterpart.

It is then believed that men get these important roles due to their hard-working character and determination. Outside of societal pressure, being a man alone does not create these characteristics. Therefore, women are just as likely to possess them.

While there are patterns around which career paths people of certain genders often pursue, an individual’s gender alone — outside of the pay gap — will not determine if their career will bring in more or less income than their opposite-sex partner.

The expectation that men should pay for dates also stems from the idea that women are meant to be cared for, specifically by men. Historically, women were first cared for by their parents, more specifically the father, before being handed to the husband who would then care for her. There is an overall belief that women alone cannot care for themselves and that they require a man.

When a man pays for his date, he is described as being chivalrous, respectful and kind. The act of paying for someone’s meal or coffee is inherently thoughtful, so these descriptions may be true. However, this act of kindness should be done out of genuine generosity, and not the social expectation that one is meant to care for a woman because she cannot care for herself.

Women do not need to be cared for, at least not any more than a man needs to be cared for. A healthy relationship is built off a balance of both parties looking after each other, in whatever way best suits their relationship. A relationship is meant to be an equal partnership, not one person — in this case, the man — solely caring for the other.

Unsurprisingly, this traditional belief of men paying on dates does not successfully apply to all relationships. Who is supposed to pay when two men date? Who is supposed to pay when two women date? Who is supposed to pay when either party is nonbinary?

In these relationships, conventional gender roles go out the door and the parties are meant to have conversations about who will be paying, either date by date or in the relationship. When society only subscribes to the idea that men pay for dates, society erases all relationships that do not fit the traditional mold.

On my dates, and otherwise romantic hangouts, I have experienced three different situations: a man offering to pay for me but leaving the decision up to me, a man not even offering to pay and a man seeming confused when I offered to pay. Through all of my dates I have decided to let men pay for me if they choose, but I will also not judge their character if they do not.

I do not expect a man to take care of me, especially when only first meeting me. If personally you want all of your potential matches to pay for you, then that is okay. However, I encourage you to both understand what your desire is rooted in and to not judge others who choose to ‘let it slide’ when a man does not pay for them.